12 Signs your date is not going well
1. She's late and makes you wait at least an hour, updating you with sms's about her state of undress, levels of stress, what a day she's had while you wait patiently ... resisting a third beer.
"lole ! sorreeee !!!!;-) xoxoxo"
Verdict;
tardiness = re tardiness.

2. She makes a point of not allowing any manners or basic chivalry to take place.  
 You open the car door, she asks if you think she can't do it herself.
 refers to Womankind in place of Mankind.
 Verdict;
You're all for equality, but hang around only if you would back yourself in a Greco - Roman wrestling bout with German Greer.

3. Your ill-advised  opening line is " hello sugar tits " & then you remember that she wasn't the one girl in the club who found that funny when you met, explaining yourself is futile.
Verdict;
tequila - induced amnesia on your part and sense of humor failure on hers.
You, as a collective, are doomed.

4. You greet her with a hug and kiss. The hug turns out into a fatherly one, brief and with 3 taps on the back, as if she just won the school marathon.
The kiss is awkward and you deliberate between mouth or cheek but land up on her nostril.
Verdict;
It's early jitters.
Indulge in some small talk, have a few toots and you'll be lunging like its The Baron at closing time.

5. She goes to the loo, half an hour later you find her doing body shots with the touring waratahs front row, claims she's a fan of their work fighting the Japanese fishing fleets.
Verdict;
doesn't follow rugby, has'nt heard of national  pride; may have a drinking prob.


6. She happily and constantly halts conversations to answer her phone, respond to sms's & send emails.
Verdict;
She's rude. A date is time put aside to spend with someone else. Her friends, family & the rest of her life can wait a few hours.

7. You have re - enacted Churchill live, Mdomo Buggy, Redykyulass, shoved  bread sticks up your nose & even resorted to Hawayuuuni doing Raila, but she has barely broken a smile.
Crickets keep breaking into song man.
Verdict;
She has no sense of humor, does not match yours in the slightest.
Ask for the bill ... (and try dating a Rhodes girl from Nyeri ) 

8. You agreed to go out for dinner but she says she ate some lettuce & Pasteur earlier  and is as stuffed as her favorite fluffy toy, proceeds to tell you about Mr. Binky who rules over her bed and her scatter cushions.
Verdict;
flakiness, possible eating disorder & Alice - in - Wonderland complex (think Katty Bates in Misery meets Amelie)
It's a bad start, run.

9. When answering a cell, she either starts speaking in another language that you don't know, or starts spouting code words like " I repeat code red Samantha this is not a drill,"
Verdict;
She's just not that into you.

10. She says "Oh..." (tone fading with disappointment)..." you look so ... different from what I imagined ."
Verdict;
Pot - Kettle - Black syndrome.
You may not be Fabio, but then again her pic looks like it was taken in high school. And that fever  blister was not listed on Facebook along with her pets & religious views

11. She lives with her waratahs & goes to their hotel. Keeps calling Tatafu Polotanau "Tofu Polenta". Gets you an autograph.
Verdict;
She's a groupie. Probably seen more knobs than a locksmith 

12. Your first kiss, her soft belabored hips open ever so gently, her tongue flits lightly over your mouth, slowly at first then hungrily as you pull her closer, her hot, fit body tight against yours, then .... it ends, messily, in your pants.
Verdict;
It's been a while. Next time ( probably not with her) watch There's something about many & use Woogies' advice.